For a number of reasons, none intentional, I haven’t taken my antidepressants in five days. I am not coming off them – it’s just that between the finishing of the packet and the travelling and the forgetting, it’s been five days. Whatever it is that keeps my in my safe zone has left my system and I am feeling very raw.
My emotions feel like an ocean and I am a little boat riding the tide. It’s not so much the ups and downs that scare me, it's the depths.
On antidepressants I can see the bottom. The water is clear and I can see the sand, the rocks, the coral gardens. I am not surrounded by the dark green of deep water. Without them, I don't know how far down it goes or even what lives there. What forgotten dark creature will I meet if I dive in?
My needs have reverted back to a basic primal state. After four years of denial, I re-meet my animal self in all her furry, snarling fury. I am craving physical contact – crazy, wild, abandoned and dangerous. If I am not frightened right now, I am not interested.
I am so far out of my safe zone that I don’t even want to go back. I want to let go and see what happens. How does this Sarah, the one who isn’t concerned with ‘how it looks’, deal with her life? How far does she push? What does she get? At what cost to herself and others? Does this way of being in the world work? If so, when and why?
I have been so tame (mostly) for so long, I have forgotten just how raw rawness can be.
Well! Enough of that. One collected prescription and a few rescue remedy tablets later and I can see my em-ocean return to its calm blue and the fish come back. Thank God.
One day I will dive into that dark blue ocean and see how far it goes and what creatures live below. Not today, though. I have too many other creatures to meet and tame. But one day. One day soon.