When I was young and my face woke up when I did, my breasts were always where I had left them and I didn't lose my car keys in my very own handbag at least four times a day, I thought that ageing gracefully or disgracefully was an active choice.
To avoid become a Donatella Versace freak show you just had to face up to the fact you were getting old, accept it and behave appropriately.
As I approach 40 I want to go back to my young self and say: Look here, you smug cow – you too will find yourself wondering who that middle-aged woman with rather ill-advised pair of jeans is – only to realise with horror that you've been looking at your own reflection in a shop window. It’s YOU, and it's not pretty. So back the fuck up and remember to moisturise. For the love of all things holy, just moisturise!
All I know is that one moment I was 28 and wearing glitter eyeliner, and the next moment my hairdresser was suggesting coloured lipgloss rather than lipstick as lipstick 'ages the mouth'. WTF?? When did I become a person who has to worry about an ageing mouth?
It’s so simple from the outside. It’s easy to know that a 60-year-old woman shouldn't wear black leather miniskirts. Actually, that’s a bad example. No one should wear black leather miniskirts – even super-hot 20-year-olds with perfect legs. They are just trashy.
Let me try again. It’s easy to know that a 60-year-old woman should not be wearing cleavage-displaying lingerie tops with pants. That's just grim.
But it’s not so simple to figure out whether at 37 I can wear a cute T-shirt with Tinkerbell on it that I know my daughter would love. But the other day, just as I saw it and thought, “Ag, cute, man,” I also thought, “You're too old, chick. Give it up.”
So to my younger readers – give us older chicks a break. It’s hard to know when Hello Kitty/ the glitter trend/ stripper heels no longer say cute/ funky/ sexy, but just feckin’ desperate.
To my readers working out this whole ageing thing with me – hang in there, chicks. One day we will be the Meryl Streeps of our generation. Glamorous, seductive and intelligent, with soft wrinkles, naturally greying hair and appropriate footwear.
But until then...